Great Expectations

After being apart for 2 weeks, the longest time span Levi and I have been apart, I couldn't wait to pick him and Mitch up at the airport this week. I stood at the top of the escalators at the Atlanta airport waiting to catch a glimpse of the man wearing a baseball cap and a baby (because I know my husband well enough to know he would be wearing a hat). As soon as I spotted them, Levi got a huge smile on his face, ran to me, and said "Mama!" for the very first time. It was one of the greatest moments in my life.

It also never happened.

This is what I had imagined my "welcome home" greeting with Levi was going to be like. I imagined it and I would say a small part of me, in the depths of my heart, expected it. Because I am his mother and he should've missed me. Because I am his mother and I deserved a greeting like that. Because my son is almost two and he should be able to say "mama". 

Instead our airport "greeting" consisted of this: Levi not knowing/pretending to not know who I even was, staring at me like I was a stranger, crying when Mitch forced him to go into my arms, and fighting me to try and get out of my arms and back to Mitch. Hurt would be an understatement to how I felt standing there in the airport and for the past day as Levi has slowly been working on warming back up to me. 

However, as in most times of hurt, the Lord has been faithful in showing me the true source and reason for my pain and disappointment: Myself. Levi himself and his actions did not hurt me, his failure to live up to my (deep-down and hidden) expectations of him did. Expectations that I never had the right to place on my son in the first place. As this has been revealed to me, I have realized that almost 100 percent of the times that I have been most upset about Levi's development have been when the expectations I had for him, hidden in the darkest corners of my heart, were not met. As Mitch and I excitedly awaited Levi's arrival this time 2 years ago, we did not imagine him going to specialists and therapists. We did not imagine him getting passed by his peers and even by kids a year younger than him in development. What parent does?

Instead, I imagined him as smarter, faster, and more advanced than his peers. And, deep down, what was the true motivation behind wanting my son to be the best? Because it meant I was the best. My son being smart, advanced and well behaved meant I was a great mother. Pretty disgusting, right?

But, I am ashamed and humbled to admit, THAT is the dark corner of my heart that my expectations come from. Expectations that are unrealistic, unfair, and deeply prideful. Expectations that poison my relationship with my son, my relationship with my husband, and ultimately my relationship with God. How often do I find myself asking God "Why are you letting this happen?" or "How long until you fix ________?" Or, "Why does Jane Doe have this or that when I am going through this?" (I would need a whole other blog post to cover the deep core sins that this question comes from.) And laying at the heart of all of these questions is the same thing: expectations I have placed on God that have not met my approval. 

Proverbs 11:23 says "The desire of the righteous ends only in good; the expectation of the wicked in wrath." My expectations are ending in hurt, in anger, in disappointment, and ultimately in broken relationships with the ones I love most. My expectations have caused me to be disappointed in my son. And, I cannot stand to even admit much less write out that I have felt this, but my expectations have cause me to at times be embarrassed about Levi's development (literally the worst thing I have ever had to write.) My expectations have caused me to question the Lord, to accuse him, and to belittle His sovereignty and holiness. 

BUT GOD, who is more gracious and merciful than I could ever fathom, has chosen to love me through this time and in spite of these awful thoughts and feelings. Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord that he knows the depths of my heart and loves me the same. Praise the Lord that His plan is so much bigger than mine. Praise the Lord that He loves Levi & Mitch so much better than I will ever be able to. And praise the Lord for granting me a renewed heart and mindset on Levi's sweet, beautiful, and right-on-track development & personality.