The Unexpected

Unexpected.

If I could sum up our third baby and pregnancy in one word, "unexpected" would be the word that encompasses my feelings the best. Unexpected, because I was not expecting to get pregnant. Unexpected, because I wasn't really sure if I would ever be pregnant again. Unexpected because it has filled a want that I never realized existed. Unexpected pregnancy? Yes. Unexpected blessing? Absolutely. 

                      

                       

Let me clarify: yes, I do know where babies come from and I do know how pregnancies happen. However, "falling pregnant" has never been a part of our story. Our journey to Levi and Lucas included months upon months of negative pregnancy tests, rounds of failed fertility drugs, and several sweet babies whose journeys lead them straight to the arms of their heavenly Father before they were ever able to enter ours. But, what a glorious gift for your child to never know a day where they weren't in their Father's arms!

And through time, and prayer, and wrestling, and grace upon grace upon grace, I can honestly say that I am not only okay that this is our story, but I am thankful that it is our story. And words will never be able to express the thankfulness I have for the two precious little boys that came out of that journey. 

So when I say unexpected, unexpected is what I mean. I never expected to be able to surprise my husband with news of a new baby. I never expected to have a pregnancy that was not book ended by losses. I never expected to get share the news with unsuspecting friends and family. I never expected to have a first trimester that wasn't clouded by fear, and doubt, and extra appointments. I never expected it and I never wanted it. But the Lord, my deeply compassionate Father who freely gives, saw fit to gift me with one of the most precious experiences I have ever had. 

So this sweet, little boy inside of me is only part of the unexpected blessing the Lord has bestowed upon us. The journey to him, and every moment leading up to his birth, has been just as unexpected, and just as sweet. And I pray that I will never know a day that I do not remember the faithfulness of my Father, who went above and beyond to bless us- through 3 little boys AND the journey that lead us to them. 

As always, Jennifer Corcoran Photography has blessed our family immensely by perfectly capturing such a precious time in our lives. You can see more of her beautifully talented work at http://jennifercorcoranphotography.com/ . 

Left Behind

Take this cup from me. 

Take this cup from him.

Take this cup from us.

These silent pleads have been strung through my prayers, my days, and my life for the last few months as we continue to walk through a season of transition, uncertainty, and deep loneliness. We are surrounded by faithful family, faithful friends, and a very faithful church community, but the loneliness has still been so heavy. Loneliness because we are unique. Loneliness because Levi is unique. Loneliness because the more he ages, the more he, and we, get left behind.

As Levi approaches his 4th birthday, we are entering, what should have been, a season of firsts: Pre-k programs, school programs, T-ball Saturdays, first trips to the movies, swim lessons, first school friends, and big class birthday parties. As much as these first are enjoyable for kids, they are such precious experiences for parents. These are the things I dreamed about as we planned for children. Camping trips; hearing all about his day at school; cheering him on from the side lines as he celebrates with his pee-wee soccer team. And as his peers and their parents, our friends, dip their toes in these life-changing memories, we stand on the curb and wave good-bye as they drive further into the distance. The getting left behind, and the overwhelming realization that one day we will watch them drive so far away that we will only see the horizon, has left me crippled in loneliness. And the loneliness has left us wondering where we belong, where Levi belongs, as life moves onward. And in these moments, I fall to my knees and beg the Lord to make me desire something else, anything else.

Take this cup.

Take this cup.

Take this cup.


This summer will be 2 years since Levi was first diagnosed with Autism & SPD. Although that day and the weeks to follow were extremely painful, they pale in comparison to the days, weeks and months we have experienced since as we are slowly beginning to truly process the weight and longevity of this new reality. I would never had admitted it in the beginning, but Levi's diagnosis shattered my dreams. The interesting thing about shattered dreams is that they do not just shatter once. Instead, they continue to shatter as time progresses and new aspects of your current reality emerge. I had never considered the reality that everyone else's children would continue to progress in life past ours. I had never considered how different church, and school, and vacations, and friends would look like for Levi and for us as he got older. For a long time, I never considered the possibility that Levi wouldn't "catch up" in time to be in a normal classroom for Kindergarten. I never considered the possibility that Levi might never be able to integrate into a normal classroom. I never considered the behavioral problems. I never considered that one day some people might think my child is dangerous. I never considered the speech regression. I never considered the pain and heartbreak that comes when you lose sight of who your precious child is during particularly bad symptoms days.

 I never considered how much I would question where we belong.

And I never considered the loneliness that would come with each of these continuous shatters.

And surrounded by the pieces of my shattered dreams, in the depths of my unspeakable loneliness, in the fears and uncertainties of the future, and in the exhaustion that accompanies an unending wilderness, I encounter the Lord in ways I never would have.

And that gives every heartache, every regression, every stare, every fear, every uncertainty, every shattered dream, every single gut-wrenching moment eternally worth it.

And I can only pray for the strength and the power that comes from the Lord to remain faithful and steadfast with my feet firmly planted on this hope.

The Lord may not take this cup from me. The Lord will most likely not take this cup from me.

But the faithfulness of His hands upholding mine will never cease.

Side Note: We love Levi so much and we cannot even imagine him without Autism. Although these things are oh-so-hard, we are so grateful that the Lord made him exactly how he is and we are confident that the Lord is going to be glorified through this journey. However, we also believe God wants us to share every side of our journey, including the ones that are hard and full of weaknesses, doubt, and falters. 

Levi Update: January 2017

It has been almost 7 months since my last Levi update, and what a busy and exciting 7 months it has been! The last time I dedicated an entire post to Levi's development was on his year anniversary with Easter Seals back in June. Although Levi had made some huge developmental leaps in his first year at Easter Seals, nothing could compare to the progress he has made in the last half-year.

As of June, Levi was saying 4-5 single words and was beginning to understand a little more things that were spoken to him. (e.g. DON'T KICK YOUR BROTHER) In the beginning, we were unsure whether Levi understood certain words or if he just understood our body language and tone of voice, similar to how a dog hears and comprehends. However, we are very confident now that Levi understands most of the commands and questions we ask him. Of course, we keep it simple. There is no "Are you afraid?" or "How are you feeling?" or "What is the square root of 144?", but we will get there before you know it.

Up until two months ago, Levi's speech comprised mostly of "parroting", or just repeating what others said to him. Levi's old (as in past, not age) and most favorite OT Greg, caught on fast and would say "Bye Mr. Greg!" when sending Levi off because Levi would emphatically parrot "Bye Mr. Greg!". As with all children, we have had a good time getting Levi to repeat funny things that we say. Thankfully, nothing inappropriate has been repeated yet but I am sure that time will come!

In the last few months, Levi has begun to venture away from "parroting", and has begun to say words and phrases on his own. My all-time favorite is "Hi Mamma". A few other good ones are "Come Here", "Sit", "Goodnight", "Hi Daddy", and "Honkin Horns" (Chuggington). Levi knows about 20-30 words now and several phrases, including "Hey Baby" that his dad taught him (and Levi thinks it's hysterical).

In addition to knowing and using new words, Levi has also begun to quote some of his favorite movies or tv shows. Sometimes he only has to see an episode or hear a song once in order for him to repeat phrases. It is fairly common for Autistic children to use phrases they have memorized from books or tv in order to "make conversation" with other people. He has also been mimicking "socially appropriate" actions he sees, such as, he now covers his mouth when he (fake) laughs because that is what he has seen others do. It's really cute. Now if he would only cover his mouth when he coughs!

Recently, we have realized that Levi knows So. Much. More. than we think he does. At the end of Thanksgiving, we were reading a book and I was asking Levi to point to the red dinosaur. Sighing heavily, Levi took the book and proceeded to point to and name all of the colors. In addition to knowing all of his colors, Levi also knows all of his shapes and he can name and identify several letters and all of the characters on his favorite movies (Mickey and Chuggington). We also discovered that he can count to 20 (I mean... what?!) He really is amazing us every day.

Levi is still attending Easter Seals 4 full days a week and he is still receiving both occupation and speech therapy weekly. At the beginning of December, we had Levi's very first IEP meeting (Individualized Education Plan). At this meeting, we discussed Levi's entrance into Muscogee County's STEPs program and the goals they had for him for the coming semester. The STEPs program is a state funded program that allows special needs children to enter the public school system a few years early in hopes that they will be able to "catch up" enough to be placed in a mainstream class once they reach kindergarten. In addition to attending school 2 days a week, Levi will also be receiving speech and occupational therapy through the school system as well. The amazing part about all of this? It is completely FREE.

First day of school!

(If you are considering STEPs for your son or daughter, I would love to talk to you about it!)

So, this past Wednesday, I dropped Levi off for his very first day of public school at Eagle Ridge Academy! It was a scary and exciting moment but I am happy to say we both survived and he is going to (eventually) love attending! He will also be riding the bus from Eagle Ridge back over to Easter Seals when he finishes school each day, which is also an equal mix of scary and exciting!

Every day with Levi is such a gift and it has been so fun to hear his little voice and see the gears in his head really turning. He is exploring more, asking more, listening more, and exuding a confidence I wasn't sure he would ever have. For the first time, his days are full with laughter, joy and very little frustration with communication. He feels heard, he feels understood, and because of those two things, he feels appreciated. Levi is finally able to spend his days doing what all threenagers love: running, laughing and asking for a million snacks. We are so thankful for how far the Lord has brought us in this journey and we are excited to see how far he will take Levi in the future!