On Autism and Being Blessed

Autism.

We have had a slight idea in the backs of our minds that this was a possibility. But alas, Satan is so good at convincing us that we are invincible and that our "perfect little worlds" are untouchable. So, when the diagnosis of Autism came out of the doctor's mouth, my world stopped and my mind exploded with a million thoughts, questions, and accusations.

How did this happen? I took my prenatal vitamins, Levi has never been involved in any kind of trauma, and gosh-darn-it we are good parents! I can't handle this. I have no experience with Autism. What is Autism? Is it genetic? Wait, what about Lucas?!

And then, the accusations started rolling.

God where were you? How did you let this happen? Why would you do this to a child? Why would you do this to ME?

The past week has been so full and so heavy. Mitch and I have grieved the loss of our "perfect little world". We have grieved for Levi and for the fact that things will not be as easy for him as we had hoped/expected. We have grieved over our pathetically sinful hearts and our immature reactions to this.

Because there are so many unknowns right now, Satan has taken full advantage of my mother's heart and has assailed me with fears of the "what ifs."

What if Levi never speaks? What if Lucas also has Autism? What if Lucas doesn't have Autism and he always resents Levi? What if Levi ends up being the "weird" cousin/brother/classmate that nobody wants to be friends with? What if I cannot give Levi all that he will need? 

And the list goes on, and on. And on.

 However, just in the past week, I have already seen such a change in my heart as the Lord is moving me towards acceptance and joy. There are so many unknowns with Autism, true. But, there are so many more KNOWN things with the Lord.

"Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known" (Jeremiah 33:3)

I do not know what Levi's development and progress will look like. I do not know where he falls on the "spectrum" as of now. I DO know that Autism makes up part of who Levi is and his "Autistic characteristics" are some of the things we find the most endearing about him. I DO know that our love for him will never change. Levi is a sweet, funny, affectionate, normal little boy in an abnormal world.

I do not know if Levi will ever talk. I do not know if he will ever say "mama" or "I love you."  I DO know that audible words are not necessary for one to know love or for one to have a relationship with God.

I do not know if Levi will develop epilepsy, or other conditions that Autistic children are more prone too. I DO know that the Lord has blessed us IMMENSLY with Dr. Steinwachs, Dr. Rubin, and all of the staff/therapists at Easter Seals who are taking care of Levi so well and will continue to do so.

I do not know if Levi will get better or get worse as he gets older. I DO know that the Lord will give us strength for anything that comes in the future. ("Fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10)

I do not know how in the world we are going to handle a newborn being thrown into all of this in about two weeks. I do not know if Lucas will also have Autism. I DO know that the Lord has blessed us by surrounding us with friends and family who are loving and serving us so well. I DO know that while it might be overwhelming, the Lord will give us the ability and the strength to live joyfully. ("I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13)

I do not know how many times I will fail to love Levi the way he needs to be loved. I do not know how many times I will lose my patience. I do not know how many times I will be heartbroken because I cannot protect Levi from the way other people might treat him.  I do not know how many days I will live crippled by fear. I do not know how many times my sinful heart will wish things were different. 

I DO know that God's grace is sufficient. I DO know that God's power is made perfect in my weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9). I DO know that the Lord loves Levi more than I ever could and the Lord can protect Levi better than I ever could dream. 

And in these truths and promises, we are resting. In these abundant blessings, we are going to chose to be joyful. 

Levi has Autism and we are so blessed.