Adoption Update: June 2020

When we first began our adoption journey in January of 2019, with a tentative timeline, we imagined we would be preparing to travel during the summer or early fall of 2020 to bring home our child. However, a year and a half into this journey, and it seems we have little to nothing to show for it. In the summer of 2019, we sent our completed homestudy off to India to be approved by CARA (Central Adoption Resource Agency). As per India's policy, until your homestudy has been approved by CARA, you cannot be matched with a child. At the time we applied, this process normally took about 8-10 weeks. At this time, CARA not only had some staff turn over, but the new administration began to implement many changes to their policies and procedures concerning adoption (both local and international). Weeks turned into months, and as of March 2020 we still had no word from India on the status of our homestudy. In addition to CARA approval, timelines for almost every step of the adoption process in India have almost tripled since we originally applied. Alongside of this, as well as the uncertainty of the program in general, Mitch and I spent several weeks researching, praying, and talking with our social worker and program director about how to proceed.

 At the beginning of May, Mitch and I decided to withdraw from the India program and as of last week, Mitch and I officially closed out our account with Lifeline. We have spent a lot of time in the last few months grieving: grieving a specific dream that has not come to fruition like we originally hoped, grieving having to leave a WONDERFUL Christian agency that we have loved working with, and grieving the loss of all of the time and work we have put into our adoption so far.

 However, the Lord is always faithful and does not ever leave our hopes and dreams in ashes! When we first began praying and researching adding to our family again, we were leaning pretty heavily towards fostering and/or fostering to adopt. At the time, we estimated we would only be in the Columbus area for another few years while Mitch finished his PhD program. Because of this, we felt that fostering or adopting locally would be unwise as we would have to move away from the area and thus, the birth mother of our child. In February of this year, as we were getting more and more disheartening news about our adoption case, Mitch applied for a job at Impact 360 in Pine Mountain, Georgia. In April, despite all of the upheaval surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic, Mitch accepted a job offer from them, ensuring that we will be laying some deeper roots here in the Columbus area. Much to our surprise (but certainly not the Lord's), just as one adoption journey was falling apart, a previous closed door seemed to be opening for us at the same time.

With this news, we made the decision to officially shift our focus from international to domestic adoption. In addition, we have decided to pursue this through foster care! Currently, our timeline is uncertain. We will need to redo our homestudy (which needed to be redone this fall anyways) and also do an 8-10 week training class to certify us as foster parents. Because of the ongoing pandemic, it's hard to stay when these things will be up and running again. However, we can guarantee, as soon as we can get a green light we will be moving forward!

 Our hope in this ongoing journey has always been to add to our family through adoption. And while that continues to be our hope, our ultimate goal is to serve the Lord by loving any child he places with us in the future- no matter the duration or finality. There are many days where we are tempted to feel discouraged about our "lack of progress" over the past year and a half. We may not have a child in our home yet, but the progress the Lord has made in our hearts and in our direction is anything but lacking.

 We are SO incredibly thankful for all of the support we have received from those around us thus far, and we pray that you will continue to walk with us in this journey!

Adoption Update: November 2019

Since announcing our adoption in the Spring, Mitch and I have had SO many questions about different parts of this process. Because of that, I thought it would be helpful to answer some of these in a central location so that we can update everyone on where we currently stand  in the process and what the next few months will look like for us!

1. Are y'all still adopting?
YES! We are definitely still adopting. However, we are currently in the middle of a (very) long waiting process which is why we have been pretty quiet on the subject- because there just isn't much new information to share!

2. Where are you currently in the process?
We are currently in a season of waiting for 2 different things to happen. First, we are waiting for our i-800a approval. This is approval from Homeland Security that will eventually lead to us being allowed to bring a foreign citizen into the United States and make them a citizen. We have been waiting for our i-800a approval for about 12 weeks and HOPEFULLY should be hearing something back really soon! Secondly, we are waiting for what is called "Initial CARINGS approval". What this basically means is that we have sent our homestudy, etc. to India and we are waiting for them to approve us as fit to adopt. Prior to this fall, this process normally took 6-10 weeks. However, due to some different reasons in India, this process is now taking about 20-25 weeks. We are currently almost 15 weeks into this waiting process and we are hoping and praying that it starts speeding back up a bit! But if not, we are prepared to wait another 10 weeks or so.

3. What is next?
After we receive our "Initial CARINGS Approval" we will then begin waiting for a match! Matching normally takes an average of 6 months. During this process, Lifeline will work alongside of India to find us a match based on our age approval, travel restrictions (1 trip or 2), and severity of special needs. Once a potential match has been found, we are given about a month to look over the child's file, consult with doctors in hopes of better understanding current and future medical needs, and most importantly, pray about whether joining our family would be in the child's best interest! If we feel like our family would be unable to provide the best home for the child, our family's file will go back and we will begin the matching process again. If we feel like our family could adequately provide the best home for the child, we say YES! And then our potential match goes back for another round of approval through India.

4. Where do you guys stand on funds?
Up until this point, Mitch and I have paid completely out of pocket for all of our adoption expenses (homestudy, agency fees, medical, etc.). However, because of how expensive it is to adopt and how we are called to care for orphans as a church, Mitch and I have just started fundraising for the remainder of our adoption expenses. This is something that is so very much NOT easy for us to do. We don't like asking for money anymore than the next person. But, if we choose not to raise support for our adoption, several things would happen: 1) We would not leave room for the Lord to provide for us. Pride and independence are two of my biggest short falls and I struggle to want to do this "on my own". However, nothing about adoption is meant to be done alone! By raising funds, we are enabling the Lord to be our sole provider. 2) We would not leave room for the Lord to work in other people's lives through our adoption. Although not everyone is called to adopt or foster, the Bible is clear that everyone IS called to orphan care. For some that looks like volunteering, for others it looks like defending orphans/children in need in everyday jobs such as social workers or lawyers who defend children in state custody (I'm looking at you B.W.!). And for some, that means using the financial means the Lord has blessed them with to help finance the adoptions of those the Lord HAS called to adopt! If we refuse to ask for help from the people around us, we are refusing to allow people to give in the way the Lord may have called them to.

5. What do the boys think?
Very little because we have shared very little with them so far! As with most young children, our boys do not comprehend periods of time greater than "4 or 5 sleeps". Because of this, and because of the uncertainty of adoption as a whole, we have spoken very little with them about the adoption. However, once we officially match, we will begin to talk openly about their new future sibling!

6. What does the current timeline look like?
Because of the program-wide set backs that have happened over the past 6 months, our timeline is looking a good bit longer than we originally thought. Currently, a safe-guess would be to say that we hope to be home from India with our daughter by Spring/Summer of 2021. If everything was to go smoothly and on schedule, we MIGHT have a possibility of travelling at the very end of next year. However, we are currently playing the long-game and planning for 2021- anything else will be an exciting surprise!

7. Will your child have special needs?
YES! Mitch and I specifically chose an adoption program that was solely children with special needs. As far as the specific special need(s), or the severity, we will not know those details until we match. However, Mitch and I did fill out several pages worth of questions concerning what type and severity of disability we felt our family could financially handle.

8. How can we help?
Most importantly, PRAYER! We covet your prayers: for the process, for our adoption agency and social worker, for the staff in India, and for the physical and spiritual needs of the child who will one day join our family. Secondly, we would love any and all advice and information. If you have adopted before, tell us about it! We would love to hear your experiences, your favorite resources, information about grants you applied for, fundraisers you did, and advice on transitioning home with a child who has experienced trauma. Lastly, like we addressed in question 4, financially. We would not be able to do this without people's generous financial donations to help us offset some of the large cost of this adoption. So, if financially giving towards our adoption is something you feel the Lord is moving you to do, we would love to partner with you! Put us to work: If you need a house sitter, dog sitter, baby sitter, yard worker... you name it, we will do it to work towards raising the funds we still need!
 Currently, we are doing an Adoption Puzzle Fundraiser!
        • Each puzzle piece is $10. Buy 1, 2, 10, or how every many you desire!
        •For each puzzle piece you purchase, your name will be written on the back.
        • Once we sell all of the pieces, we will frame the puzzle in double-sided glass to forever serve as a reminder of how the Lord provided for us through each generous donor to our adoption! Click here to read more about our needs or to give towards our Puzzle Fundraiser! ( you can also use paypal if you would prefer by clicking HERE )  If you have any questions at all, we would love to talk to you!

Keep those questions and prayers coming! We love to feel and know the presence of our "village" as we walk this journey!

Special Needs Ministry & The Church

 
About a year and a half ago, in the middle of the church service, I sat in the hallway outside of the sanctuary crying, holding Levi in my lap. He was a little over 4 at the time, and would often end up in the "baby/toddler" room in the nursery because he enjoyed the quietness of that room more than the chaos that is the 3/4 year old room. He felt safe in that room. However, being a 4 year old in the room with 1 year olds was not exactly safe for others and unfortunately, we had to learn that the hard way. During the service that day, we were buzzed out of church and I found a screaming baby girl, a frantic nursery worker (rightfully so), and a crying Levi who had pushed the little girl who was getting too close to his toy. Now, I realize this sounds like a fairly tame incident. However, a push is a lot more than a push when it's a 4 year old vs. a 1 year old who is barely even walking. Levi pushed hard and that little girl fell, HARD. She was scared, the other toddlers in the nursery were scared, the nursery worker was scared, and I was scared. Scared for Levi, scared for the little girl, scared for what parents would think of Levi, and scared for our family's future at St. Andrews. As it needed to happen, Levi was turned out of the nursery for the day while kids were soothed and order was restored. And that is how I found myself, crying and praying over my child who once again, was a square peg trying to be forced into a round hole. 

That incident, though no fault of our wonderful nursery at our church, brought so many fears and uncertainties to our family that week. Mitch and I talked constantly about whether we needed to leave St. Andrews to find a bigger church that had more provisions for special needs children. We talked to our pastor, we talked to our nursery coordinator, and we talked to God. I dreaded the coming Sunday where we would have to try the nursery thing all over again and I sent a text to a few of my girlfriends begging them to pray for my heart as I battled the desire to just stay home. Staying home would have been easier. Staying home would have been safer. And I am not the only special needs parent that feels that way. 

Did you know that the odds of children with autism never attending a church service are almost DOUBLE what they are for children without a mental/social chronic health problem?

Did you know that there are an estimated 600-650 million people in the world that have disabilities but only 5-10% of those people are effectively reached with the gospel? This makes the disabled community of the largest under-reached people groups in the world. 

Did you know that 80 to 85% of churches don't have any level of special needs ministry or care?  

And lets not forget the families: 

Did you know that parents of special needs children operate at stress levels 60% higher than the normal population? Cameron Doolittle, executive director of Jill's House, a special needs ministry in Virginia, says among special needs families “There is more divorce, less attention paid to siblings, [and] more attempts at suicide." 

“In our day in the West, people with disabilities are not left to beg outside religious sites where they might remind people of the brokenness of humanity. Rather, such people are carefully hidden in homes and care facilities, seldom ever gracing temples and churches with their presence…this absence deprives the church of gifts that only those with disability can bring to the body of Christ.”

Michael Beates

I would like say that as Levi has gotten older, integrating into the church has been easier, but unfortunately that is not the case. The older Levi gets, the harder he has to work to try and fit into a typical church environment. For a child that struggles with communication (both speaking AND understanding others speak), sitting in "big" church where you don't understand most of what is being spoken to you is hard. He struggles to sit still, he struggles with understanding that he needs to be quiet, he struggles with not being able to understand most of what is going on. But most importantly, Levi struggles greatly with the constant transitions that come with Sundays. Each Sunday looks a little bit different: a different teacher, a different lesson, a different group of students, and different schedule. This is tough to adapt to for a neuro-typical child! Imagine the lengths an atypical child has to go to adjust. Because of this, for the last 6 months, either Mitch or I attend children's church with Levi. Every. Single. Sunday. And lots of those Sundays we don't even make it through children's church without needing to remove him from the classroom until he calms down. We are 100% willing to miss church every Sunday because for us, it is so important for Levi to get the chance, no matter how short, to hear the gospel alongside of his peers. I don't share these things to be pessimistic or to complain. I share these things because it is the reality of so many special needs parents in the church. And most church members have no idea. 

So how we address these needs?

1) STAY. When Levi was first diagnosed, Mitch and I were very plugged in to a church that we loved. We loved the sound theology, we loved the community, and we loved the fellowship. But the church had no provisions for special needs or children and Levi was really a "first" to be as involved as we were. Were there other churches in town that provided special needs ministries? Yes! However, through prayer and encouragement, we decided to stay. We decided to stay and help our church take formative steps in creating a special needs ministry. Someone always has to be the "first", and if you love every other aspect of your church, I encourage you to pray and contemplate whether paving that road for your church is something God is calling your family to. It will not be easy, but it will be very worth it- not only for you and your family, but for your church family as well. And most importantly, it will be eternally worth it for your child. 

2) EDUCATE. As a special needs parent, talk about your journey! Just this Sunday, I had the privilege to stand in front of our congregation and share parts of our journey with Autism. Is it easy to share such a deeply personal part of our story? NO, not at all. But it is part of our story, and therefore, part of our church family's story. You cannot expect people to walk alongside you if you do not show them the road you are on. As a church member, ask questions! I cannot speak for all special needs parents, but I am overjoyed when people desire to learn more about Levi, our family, and Autism. You will not be able to learn more about a child or their condition if you are not willing to ask questions. If you have children around the same age as a special needs child in your church, talk to them about it! Answer their questions. If you feel like you can't, ask the parent to answer them for you. Interacting with a child with a special needs that you do not know much about can be daunting. Knowledge replaces fear and is paramount for developing strong & comfortable relationships between a child with specials needs and their peers, teachers, & volunteers. 

3) COMMUNICATE. As a special needs parent, you are your child's best advocate, and that applies in the church environment as well! Communicate well with your children's ministry leaders, your child's peer's parents, your potential volunteers. Communicate your hopes for your child, any concerns you might have, and any changes you think might be effective. Communicate how much you, as the parent, want to be involved and how much you think your child can handle. As a church director or leader, communicate YOUR expectations as the teacher! Communicate your ideas for integration, your advice based on observations, and any questions you might have about the child's condition, learning barriers, strengths and weaknesses. Honesty is the number one thing that special needs ministries need to flourish.

4) GRACE. Behind honesty, I believe grace is the number two thing that a special needs ministry needs to be successful and God glorifying. As a special needs parent, you must be prepared to give all parties involved grace. Just as I knew very little about Autism before Levi was diagnosed, most people will also know very little about your child's condition. They might ask strange questions, they might (unintentionally) say offensive things, and they will make mistakes. GIVE. THEM. GRACE. I would rather someone ask me a thousand offensive questions about Autism than ask none at all. So answer patiently. Educate graciously. And most importantly, if and when mishaps occur, forgive easily and build them up. As a church director, leader, volunteer, or parent, remember that most special needs parents have been "burned" at least once before. Their child might be non-verbal and the fear, lack of trust, and attachment issues that come with that would take me a whole another blog post to cover. Remember that these parents are scared: scared how their child will react, scared how their child's peers will receive him/her, and scared about what other people are going to think about them and their child. Because of this, they may seem over the top. They may seem (and might be) controlling. They may really push back on some things you suggest. And they may be down right difficult to work with. GIVE. THEM. GRACE. And give them time. The more love and effort that is poured into those relationships, the more trusting they will be with one of their most precious possessions. 

Just like no two children with disabilities will look the same, so will no two special needs ministries look the same. However, the goal should always be the same: to make the gospel as accessible as possible to ALL people in the church. 

God has graciously given us both Levi AND Autism as part of our story, and ultimately, as part of our church family's story. Although we have been and will continue to be greatly blessed through our church family loving us and Levi well, we are not the only ones. Special needs ministry is a blessing to all parties involved. To the special needs families, it is a blessing to have others pouring into your child and allowing you, as the parent, to be spiritually filled as well. To the director, it is a blessing to get to serve one of the "least of these" by meeting each child where they are. To the classmates and peers, it is a blessing to get the opportunity to befriend and love a person who a lot of the world deems as "unlovable". And to the church, it is a blessing to learn from and walk alongside of a people group that Jesus went above and beyond to serve and share wisdom through.

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References:

https://www.lausanne.org/content/ministry-among-people-disabilities-lop-35b

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/let-no-special-need-hinder-the-spread-of-the-gospel/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/kids-with-disabilities-face-many-challenges-church-shouldnt-be-one-of-them/2018/11/15/2b324364-e83c-11e8-b8dc-66cca409c180_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.30228f4f122c

Jaeger, Party of Six

Ever since I can remember, orphan care has been on my heart. Not an interest, not even a passion, but an very distinct whisper that has threaded itself through each of my life stages. In some seasons it showed itself through supporting friends who were adoption and fostering. In others, it was volunteering with different orphan care ministries. But no matter the season, it has always been present. And now, in a season that seems really crazy already, the calling is manifesting itself as international adoption for our family.

I always hoped that I would one day personally get to adopt, but once I married Mitch, that choice no longer became just mine. I was called to marry Mitch, and that became my highest calling, second only to serving the Lord. Like most couples, my desire to adopt far surpassed that of my husband's in the beginning (and that is putting it generously). I would love to say that I quietly and graciously took my request to the Lord, rather than berating my husband about it, but alas, that would be lying. I was angry with God for a long time. Why give me a desire- a biblical one at that- and not allow me to pursue it? Eventually, I realized, I could pursue it! I could pray- for my heart, for Mitch's, and for contentment. I could serve in other ways- volunteering, donating, educating. So I did. And we did. And 8 years later, here we are, with 3 beautiful little boys who are 5 and under and you reading this and probably thinking we have lost our minds. And I guess we somewhat have!

We don't need to adopt to be happy. We don't need to add one more child to our home to be content.  Adoption is not about me and my desires or my family and its happiness. Adoption is not about finding a child for our family. Adoption is about a child in need finding a loving and fitting home. Adoption is about crucifying my desirers, expectations, and dreams to display the beauty of the gospel and how Christ has adopted us, as believers, in whatever way the Lord sees fit.  Our desire is to one day in the future add to our family through adoption. However, we are walking this journey with open hands, recognizing that our goal and God's goal might be different. Just like in life, and pregnancy, we might not end up with a child in our home. And though, if that day comes, we will deeply grieve, we also can rest confidently in the Lord's plan for our family no matter what.

So what do we know?

We know we are using Lifeline Adoption Agency. We have been incredibly impressed with the organization, communication, and most importantly, the spiritual maturity and joy that has radiated from every single person we have worked with at Lifeline so far.

We know that we are pursuing international adoption! This is probably going to come as a surprise to a lot of you, since we are very invested in foster care ministry, but we are very confident in our decision for our family. However, it was a decision that did not come lightly and a decision that we have worked through for several years now. Most importantly, it is a decision that will not effect our current or future involvement in the foster care ministry!

We know we are hoping to adopt a child from India! Why India? Long story short, we both knew we desired to adopt from an Asia country and the staggering number of orphans in India was hard to ignore. Did you know that India has over 20 million orphans, making it the country with the largest number of orphans in the world?

We know that our child will have special needs. In the beginning of this process, we filled out a questionnaire that details what special needs we feel we can handle as a family and what we couldn't. However, until we match, we will have no other details than that.

We know that our child will most likely be a girl in the 0-2 age range. India requires that we maintain birth order in family and the child will have to be younger than Lawson (who turns 2 in August).

Where are you in the process?

We are accepted in to the program, and about 1/2 through our homestudy. We realize that we are opening up about this a little earlier than most people, but that goes back to our desire for the Lord to use this process in any way he chooses. Could we possibly not be homestudy approved and ultimately not get to adopt? Sure. Wouldn't that be hard to share with people if it happens? Most definitely. But it also is part of our journey and once again, we are resting confidently in the fact that God has his hand in this, no matter the final outcome. We shared our pregnancies early with the same mindset- and when we faced a miscarriage I am so thankful that we have a community to support us and to remind us of God's truth and promises.

How can you help?

PRAY. Although we feel confident in this journey, we are scared. The process is overwhelming. The potential needs of our future child are daunting. The financial commitment is down right terrifying. And we already feel Satan feeding lies into our insecurities. Please pray for our spiritual strength. Please pray for our marriage & family. Please pray for the Lord to continue to orchestrate this journey and for us to be content in how He chooses to do it.

EDUCATE. If you have been through an adoption before, know someone who has, work for a ministry that aids families, or literally anything having to do with orphan care and have some wisdom or advice, please reach out to us! We are doggy paddling over here and would love a life preserver or two!

PARTNER. As someone who absolutely hates asking for help, hates receiving help, hates being needy in general, this is the hardest part. We absolutely cannot do this on our own.We will not be able to shoulder the financial commitment on our own. So we are going to be asking for financial partners in this and trusting that the Lord will provide through that. So if you think you might want to help us bring home a child through adoption, please prayerfully consider it! We will be launching several fundraisers in the coming months and would love to partner with you. If financial giving is not your thing, there are so many other ways we could use your help in the coming months (prayer, sharing our journey and promoting our fundraisers, etc.)

We are excited. We are hopeful. But most importantly, we are incredibly thankful for the gift of adoption we, ourselves, have already experienced in Christ.

“It is important to realize we adopt not because we are rescuers. 

No. We adopt because we are rescued.” 

David Platt

God Doesn't Want You to Be a Better Mother

New Year's Resolutions.

Some people make them. Few people keep them.

And most people find themselves anywhere from January 2nd on, feeling disappointed and frustrated.

Whether you are pro-resolutioner (it's a word, okay?) or not, the heart behind new year's resolutions can be found at the core of every human being; and not just at the beginning of a new year.

No matter your age, race, ethnicity, gender, career, or relationship status, as human beings we all share a common desire: MORE.

The desire for more, or something greater, exists in all of us but often manifests itself in different ways.

We want to HAVE more. More money. More time. More knowledge. More credentials. More clients.

We want to DO more. Donate more. Volunteer more. Read more. Exercise more. Love and respect our husband by cleaning our house and not complaining about it more. (side note: dishes are the WORST)

We want to BE more. More healthy. More Confident. More patient. More wise. More disciplined.

Each of these individual things are not bad in and of themselves. Money is not bad; desiring money is. Exercise is not bad; obsessing so much about exercise that it overtakes your life and health is. 

In addition, desiring to better ourselves is not a bad thing either. However, I think the ultimate way we go about trying to better ourselves is not only a bad thing, but a potentially destructive and disobedient thing.

I joke about most resolutions ending on January 2nd, but the reality is, most people do not end up completing their beginning of the year goals. Instead, they hit a road bump (I'm looking at you Leviticus) and are left with guilt, frustration, disappointment, and a half a year left (or more) until they can "start over again" with the same resolutions.

At the end of 2017, I did a lot of thinking about the changes I wanted to see in myself in the next year and most of them centered around my home life:

I want to be more patient. I want to yell less. (it is excruciatingly embarrassing to admit how much I yell at my kids) I want to serve more AND with a better attitude. I want to take better care of the house God has blessed me with. I want to give MORE of my time to my husband and my children. I want to give LESS of my time to social media and the modern day drug that is on-demand streaming (ahem, Netflix).

Like most years, as my list of self improvements grew, so did my anxiety. These are BIG heart issues, Amy. How are you going to accomplish this? When are you going to find the time? Where are you going to find the drive and the motivation? As my list and questions grew, and after a mild panic attack, I took these desires to the Bible. What does the Bible say on how to be a better mother? A better spouse? A better runner? What does God say about becoming more like Him?

And the more I read, and thought and prayed, the more I realized how misled my desires were.

God doesn't want me to be a better mother.

He doesn't want me to be more patient or to yell less. He doesn't want me to serve more. He doesn't want me to be healthier or exercise more.

God wants me to love Him.

Now, before you stop reading or messaging me all the verses in the Bible about treating our bodies as temples, loving our children and being a better wife (hello Proverbs 31), hear me out.

Matthew 22:35-40 says,

34 But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, 

they gathered together. 35 And one of them, a lawyer, 

asked him a question to test him.36 “Teacher, which is the 

great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, 

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart 

and with all your soul and with all your mind. 

38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a 

second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 

40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets. 

(emphasis mine)

At this point in scripture, Jews not only followed all of the teachings and commandments of the Old Testament, but Jesus was speaking many commandments during his ministry as well. So, by forcing Jesus to chose the greatest commandment, the Pharisees were hoping to damage his credibility and force him to incriminate himself. However, Jesus not only answers them, but he simultaneously teaches us the greatest commandment AND how to keep all of his other commandments. 

Love the Lord your God. 

With all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind. Kardia, the greek word for heart used in this passage, "denotes the centre of all physical and spiritual life". Psyche, the greek word for soul, means "breath, that in which there is life." And Dianoia, the greek word for mind, means "the mind as a faculty of understanding, feeling, desiring."*

In case you didn't notice, that encompasses our entire being. 

And secondly, love your neighbor as yourself. Agapao is the greek word for "love" used in this passage. Agapao is a verb, and therefore, by definition, demands an action. John MacArthur describes Agapao as an action that "expresses the purest, noblest form of love, which is volitionally driven, not motivated by superficial appearance, emotional attraction, or sentimental relationship...agapaō expresses the ideal kind of love, that which is exercised by the will rather than emotion, not determined by the beauty or desirability of the object, but by the noble intention of the one who loves." So, Jesus is not talking about a Nicholas Sparks kind of love here. He is talking about a real love. A love that requires us to sacrifice every part of ourselves. 

But here is the grand finale "On these two commandments DEPEND all the Law and the Prophets." Why is loving the Lord the greatest commandment? Because all other commandments DEPEND on it. We cannot love our neighbor, or our children, or our spouses, and definitely not our enemies unless we first love God. Why? Because God is love. His perfect nature defines love. And therefore, without knowing God and loving God, we cannot keep his commandments. 

Can those who do not know and love God still adhere to laws and commandments? Technically, yes. The Pharisees, mentioned in the passage above, were some of the religious Jewish leaders of Jesus' time known for their devout practice of righteousness and adherence to the Old Testament law. However, these practices were only external and they ultimately became the worst persecutors of Jesus. 1 Corinthians 13 says, 

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, I gain nothing."

So yes, we can externally follow laws and commandments. But without love, without God, we are nothing and we gain nothing. Obeying God demands an internal righteousness. 

At the end of Matthew 19, after being asked what good one must do to achieve eternal life, Jesus responds "“There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.” Further down, after hearing all that following God requires, the disciples (like anyone would) get greatly overwhelmed:

"When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished, saying, “Who then can be saved?” But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

And jumping to the gospel of John chapter 14, Jesus expounds on this:

"15 If you love me, you will keep my commandments. 21 Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.”

In this verse, Jesus is not saying keep my commandments AND love me. He is saying love me and keep my commandments. Loving Jesus is not meant to be another commandment thrown on top of all everything else. It is meant to be the ultimate commandment that enables us to keep all his other commandments. Jesus does not expect us to be able to keep all of his commandments on our own, he even agrees that it is impossible. 

But with God, knowing and loving him, it is possible. 

So no, God doesn't ultimate want me to be a better mother, spouse, daughter, or friend. God doesn't ultimately want me to be healthier or more physically fit. He doesn't even ultimately want me to read the Bible more or pray more.

God wants me to love Him. 

And in loving God, and through loving God, we will keep his commandments.

So this new year, we all only need one resolution: Love God.

Want to be healthier? Love God. And in loving God, I guarantee you will treasure the body he has blessed you with and will desire to treat it with respect. 

Want to stop yelling at your children (raises hand)? Love God. And in loving God, He will give you the power and desire to love your children in the way that He loves His. 

Want to pray more or spend more time in scripture? LOVE GOD. And in loving God, He will awaken in you an unquenchable desire to know Him more and a steadfast heart of discipline to spend more time with Him. 

If we love the Lord we can be better mothers, spouses, friends, employees, and people.

If we love the Lord we can have more, do more, and be more. 

IF we love the Lord. 

So this new year, lets love the Lord. And in turn, love ourselves, our children, our husbands, our friends, and our enemies, well.

The Unexpected

Unexpected.

If I could sum up our third baby and pregnancy in one word, "unexpected" would be the word that encompasses my feelings the best. Unexpected, because I was not expecting to get pregnant. Unexpected, because I wasn't really sure if I would ever be pregnant again. Unexpected because it has filled a want that I never realized existed. Unexpected pregnancy? Yes. Unexpected blessing? Absolutely. 

                      

                       

Let me clarify: yes, I do know where babies come from and I do know how pregnancies happen. However, "falling pregnant" has never been a part of our story. Our journey to Levi and Lucas included months upon months of negative pregnancy tests, rounds of failed fertility drugs, and several sweet babies whose journeys lead them straight to the arms of their heavenly Father before they were ever able to enter ours. But, what a glorious gift for your child to never know a day where they weren't in their Father's arms!

And through time, and prayer, and wrestling, and grace upon grace upon grace, I can honestly say that I am not only okay that this is our story, but I am thankful that it is our story. And words will never be able to express the thankfulness I have for the two precious little boys that came out of that journey. 

So when I say unexpected, unexpected is what I mean. I never expected to be able to surprise my husband with news of a new baby. I never expected to have a pregnancy that was not book ended by losses. I never expected to get share the news with unsuspecting friends and family. I never expected to have a first trimester that wasn't clouded by fear, and doubt, and extra appointments. I never expected it and I never wanted it. But the Lord, my deeply compassionate Father who freely gives, saw fit to gift me with one of the most precious experiences I have ever had. 

So this sweet, little boy inside of me is only part of the unexpected blessing the Lord has bestowed upon us. The journey to him, and every moment leading up to his birth, has been just as unexpected, and just as sweet. And I pray that I will never know a day that I do not remember the faithfulness of my Father, who went above and beyond to bless us- through 3 little boys AND the journey that lead us to them. 

As always, Jennifer Corcoran Photography has blessed our family immensely by perfectly capturing such a precious time in our lives. You can see more of her beautifully talented work at http://jennifercorcoranphotography.com/ . 

Left Behind

Take this cup from me. 

Take this cup from him.

Take this cup from us.

These silent pleads have been strung through my prayers, my days, and my life for the last few months as we continue to walk through a season of transition, uncertainty, and deep loneliness. We are surrounded by faithful family, faithful friends, and a very faithful church community, but the loneliness has still been so heavy. Loneliness because we are unique. Loneliness because Levi is unique. Loneliness because the more he ages, the more he, and we, get left behind.

As Levi approaches his 4th birthday, we are entering, what should have been, a season of firsts: Pre-k programs, school programs, T-ball Saturdays, first trips to the movies, swim lessons, first school friends, and big class birthday parties. As much as these first are enjoyable for kids, they are such precious experiences for parents. These are the things I dreamed about as we planned for children. Camping trips; hearing all about his day at school; cheering him on from the side lines as he celebrates with his pee-wee soccer team. And as his peers and their parents, our friends, dip their toes in these life-changing memories, we stand on the curb and wave good-bye as they drive further into the distance. The getting left behind, and the overwhelming realization that one day we will watch them drive so far away that we will only see the horizon, has left me crippled in loneliness. And the loneliness has left us wondering where we belong, where Levi belongs, as life moves onward. And in these moments, I fall to my knees and beg the Lord to make me desire something else, anything else.

Take this cup.

Take this cup.

Take this cup.


This summer will be 2 years since Levi was first diagnosed with Autism & SPD. Although that day and the weeks to follow were extremely painful, they pale in comparison to the days, weeks and months we have experienced since as we are slowly beginning to truly process the weight and longevity of this new reality. I would never had admitted it in the beginning, but Levi's diagnosis shattered my dreams. The interesting thing about shattered dreams is that they do not just shatter once. Instead, they continue to shatter as time progresses and new aspects of your current reality emerge. I had never considered the reality that everyone else's children would continue to progress in life past ours. I had never considered how different church, and school, and vacations, and friends would look like for Levi and for us as he got older. For a long time, I never considered the possibility that Levi wouldn't "catch up" in time to be in a normal classroom for Kindergarten. I never considered the possibility that Levi might never be able to integrate into a normal classroom. I never considered the behavioral problems. I never considered that one day some people might think my child is dangerous. I never considered the speech regression. I never considered the pain and heartbreak that comes when you lose sight of who your precious child is during particularly bad symptoms days.

 I never considered how much I would question where we belong.

And I never considered the loneliness that would come with each of these continuous shatters.

And surrounded by the pieces of my shattered dreams, in the depths of my unspeakable loneliness, in the fears and uncertainties of the future, and in the exhaustion that accompanies an unending wilderness, I encounter the Lord in ways I never would have.

And that gives every heartache, every regression, every stare, every fear, every uncertainty, every shattered dream, every single gut-wrenching moment eternally worth it.

And I can only pray for the strength and the power that comes from the Lord to remain faithful and steadfast with my feet firmly planted on this hope.

The Lord may not take this cup from me. The Lord will most likely not take this cup from me.

But the faithfulness of His hands upholding mine will never cease.

Side Note: We love Levi so much and we cannot even imagine him without Autism. Although these things are oh-so-hard, we are so grateful that the Lord made him exactly how he is and we are confident that the Lord is going to be glorified through this journey. However, we also believe God wants us to share every side of our journey, including the ones that are hard and full of weaknesses, doubt, and falters.