Sunday, March 31, 2019

Special Needs Ministry & The Church






 

About a year and a half ago, in the middle of the church service, I sat in the hallway outside of the sanctuary crying, holding Levi in my lap. He was a little over 4 at the time, and would often end up in the "baby/toddler" room in the nursery because he enjoyed the quietness of that room more than the chaos that is the 3/4 year old room. He felt safe in that room. However, being a 4 year old in the room with 1 year olds was not exactly safe for others and unfortunately, we had to learn that the hard way. During the service that day, we were buzzed out of church and I found a screaming baby girl, a frantic nursery worker (rightfully so), and a crying Levi who had pushed the little girl who was getting too close to his toy. Now, I realize this sounds like a fairly tame incident. However, a push is a lot more than a push when it's a 4 year old vs. a 1 year old who is barely even walking. Levi pushed hard and that little girl fell, HARD. She was scared, the other toddlers in the nursery were scared, the nursery worker was scared, and I was scared. Scared for Levi, scared for the little girl, scared for what parents would think of Levi, and scared for our family's future at St. Andrews. As it needed to happen, Levi was turned out of the nursery for the day while kids were soothed and order was restored. And that is how I found myself, crying and praying over my child who once again, was a square peg trying to be forced into a round hole. 

That incident, though no fault of our wonderful nursery at our church, brought so many fears and uncertainties to our family that week. Mitch and I talked constantly about whether we needed to leave St. Andrews to find a bigger church that had more provisions for special needs children. We talked to our pastor, we talked to our nursery coordinator, and we talked to God. I dreaded the coming Sunday where we would have to try the nursery thing all over again and I sent a text to a few of my girlfriends begging them to pray for my heart as I battled the desire to just stay home. Staying home would have been easier. Staying home would have been safer. And I am not the only special needs parent that feels that way. 

Did you know that the odds of children with autism never attending a church service are almost DOUBLE what they are for children without a mental/social chronic health problem?

Did you know that there are an estimated 600-650 million people in the world that have disabilities but only 5-10% of those people are effectively reached with the gospel? This makes the disabled community of the largest under-reached people groups in the world. 

Did you know that 80 to 85% of churches don't have any level of special needs ministry or care?  
And lets not forget the families: 

Did you know that parents of special needs children operate at stress levels 60% higher than the normal population? Cameron Doolittle, executive director of Jill's House, a special needs ministry in Virginia, says among special needs families “There is more divorce, less attention paid to siblings, [and] more attempts at suicide." 

“In our day in the West, people with disabilities are not left to beg outside religious sites where they might remind people of the brokenness of humanity. Rather, such people are carefully hidden in homes and care facilities, seldom ever gracing temples and churches with their presence…this absence deprives the church of gifts that only those with disability can bring to the body of Christ.”
Michael Beates

I would like say that as Levi has gotten older, integrating into the church has been easier, but unfortunately that is not the case. The older Levi gets, the harder he has to work to try and fit into a typical church environment. For a child that struggles with communication (both speaking AND understanding others speak), sitting in "big" church where you don't understand most of what is being spoken to you is hard. He struggles to sit still, he struggles with understanding that he needs to be quiet, he struggles with not being able to understand most of what is going on. But most importantly, Levi struggles greatly with the constant transitions that come with Sundays. Each Sunday looks a little bit different: a different teacher, a different lesson, a different group of students, and different schedule. This is tough to adapt to for a neuro-typical child! Imagine the lengths an atypical child has to go to adjust. Because of this, for the last 6 months, either Mitch or I attend children's church with Levi. Every. Single. Sunday. And lots of those Sundays we don't even make it through children's church without needing to remove him from the classroom until he calms down. We are 100% willing to miss church every Sunday because for us, it is so important for Levi to get the chance, no matter how short, to hear the gospel alongside of his peers. I don't share these things to be pessimistic or to complain. I share these things because it is the reality of so many special needs parents in the church. And most church members have no idea. 

So how we address these needs?

1) STAY. When Levi was first diagnosed, Mitch and I were very plugged in to a church that we loved. We loved the sound theology, we loved the community, and we loved the fellowship. But the church had no provisions for special needs or children and Levi was really a "first" to be as involved as we were. Were there other churches in town that provided special needs ministries? Yes! However, through prayer and encouragement, we decided to stay. We decided to stay and help our church take formative steps in creating a special needs ministry. Someone always has to be the "first", and if you love every other aspect of your church, I encourage you to pray and contemplate whether paving that road for your church is something God is calling your family to. It will not be easy, but it will be very worth it- not only for you and your family, but for your church family as well. And most importantly, it will be eternally worth it for your child. 

2) EDUCATE. As a special needs parent, talk about your journey! Just this Sunday, I had the privilege to stand in front of our congregation and share parts of our journey with Autism. Is it easy to share such a deeply personal part of our story? NO, not at all. But it is part of our story, and therefore, part of our church family's story. You cannot expect people to walk alongside you if you do not show them the road you are on. As a church member, ask questions! I cannot speak for all special needs parents, but I am overjoyed when people desire to learn more about Levi, our family, and Autism. You will not be able to learn more about a child or their condition if you are not willing to ask questions. If you have children around the same age as a special needs child in your church, talk to them about it! Answer their questions. If you feel like you can't, ask the parent to answer them for you. Interacting with a child with a special needs that you do not know much about can be daunting. Knowledge replaces fear and is paramount for developing strong & comfortable relationships between a child with specials needs and their peers, teachers, & volunteers. 

3) COMMUNICATE. As a special needs parent, you are your child's best advocate, and that applies in the church environment as well! Communicate well with your children's ministry leaders, your child's peer's parents, your potential volunteers. Communicate your hopes for your child, any concerns you might have, and any changes you think might be effective. Communicate how much you, as the parent, want to be involved and how much you think your child can handle. As a church director or leader, communicate YOUR expectations as the teacher! Communicate your ideas for integration, your advice based on observations, and any questions you might have about the child's condition, learning barriers, strengths and weaknesses. Honesty is the number one thing that special needs ministries need to flourish.

4) GRACE. Behind honesty, I believe grace is the number two thing that a special needs ministry needs to be successful and God glorifying. As a special needs parent, you must be prepared to give all parties involved grace. Just as I knew very little about Autism before Levi was diagnosed, most people will also know very little about your child's condition. They might ask strange questions, they might (unintentionally) say offensive things, and they will make mistakes. GIVE. THEM. GRACE. I would rather someone ask me a thousand offensive questions about Autism than ask none at all. So answer patiently. Educate graciously. And most importantly, if and when mishaps occur, forgive easily and build them up. As a church director, leader, volunteer, or parent, remember that most special needs parents have been "burned" at least once before. Their child might be non-verbal and the fear, lack of trust, and attachment issues that come with that would take me a whole another blog post to cover. Remember that these parents are scared: scared how their child will react, scared how their child's peers will receive him/her, and scared about what other people are going to think about them and their child. Because of this, they may seem over the top. They may seem (and might be) controlling. They may really push back on some things you suggest. And they may be down right difficult to work with. GIVE. THEM. GRACE. And give them time. The more love and effort that is poured into those relationships, the more trusting they will be with one of their most precious possessions. 

Just like no two children with disabilities will look the same, so will no two special needs ministries look the same. However, the goal should always be the same: to make the gospel as accessible as possible to ALL people in the church. 

God has graciously given us both Levi AND Autism as part of our story, and ultimately, as part of our church family's story. Although we have been and will continue to be greatly blessed through our church family loving us and Levi well, we are not the only ones. Special needs ministry is a blessing to all parties involved. To the special needs families, it is a blessing to have others pouring into your child and allowing you, as the parent, to be spiritually filled as well. To the director, it is a blessing to get to serve one of the "least of these" by meeting each child where they are. To the classmates and peers, it is a blessing to get the opportunity to befriend and love a person who a lot of the world deems as "unlovable". And to the church, it is a blessing to learn from and walk alongside of a people group that Jesus went above and beyond to serve and share wisdom through.

-->

References:



1 comment:

  1. Oh, Amy, I love your family so much! Thank you for sharing your heart for that helps me to understand what your family is going through. I love Levi and wish we lived closer to you. I am praying for all of you as you walk this road for God’s glory.������

    ReplyDelete