The Fear That So Easily Entangles

I'm sitting at my desk at work, alone in the office, and my chest feels like it is going to burst as the air seems to be cut off from my lungs. Somehow, I am able to hold the tears at bay that are threatening to spill over. After a few minutes, and some sharp breaths, I feel my heart rate begin to lower and I feel myself coming back from the ledge. The ledge that I so desperately try to ignore until I am dangling over the edge. 

Since going back to work a couple of years ago, I have struggled greatly with the fear of losing my children. I wish I could say the fear is a simple fear of not wanting to live without them. However, this fear that knocks the air straight out of me at times, is so much deeper. Unkept fears, like weeds that are allowed to roam free, slowly crawl over every surface of life that surrounds them. They stretch over my heart, embedding themselves in every facet of my life until it is hard to see where fear ends and reality begins. 

When Levi was first born, this fear was so simplistic: I loved my son greatly and I did not want to lose him. However, as the years have gone by, this fear has grown, and implanted, and stretched, and devoured. I fear losing my children. I fear my children suffering. I fear that I will lose my children because I was unable to save them. I fear that my children will die from something I could have prevented. I fear my children will die and their last thought will be "Why is my mom not here to help me?" I fear my children will die without knowing that I love them.

And, my darkest fear, I fear my children will die without ever knowing Jesus. 

One of the hardest things I have stomaching about Levi's Autism is being unsure about what he comprehends and what he does not. I am very confident that he understands little things such as "All done" and "Do you want to watch Chuggington". However, when it comes to things deeper, like "That makes Mommy sad" or "I love you", he shows no signs of even vaguely comprehending what those things mean. And that is like pouring gasoline on an already raging fire. 

Although I had a more simplistic form of this fear when Levi was young, it didn't really start morphing until I went back to work full time a couple of years ago. There is just something about not being with your kids all day and not really knowing what is going on with them that makes little fears become big ones. It also makes you realize that as a mom, you think you can protect your child 100% better than anyone else (sometimes Dad included *cringe*). And lets be honest here, a lot of times, deep down, we think we can protect our child better than God (quadruple *cringe*). Although I would like to fight tooth and nail and SAY that isn't true, my fears and my actions say otherwise. 

Suddenly, my idolatry of my children has now morphed into my idolatry of my children AND my idolatry of control. I alone can save my kids. I alone can protect them. I alone am all they need. And out of those two very weighty idols, sprouts a never ending fountain of fear and anxiety. And out of these idols and fears and anxieties, comes a fast and furious stream of guilt and failure when (surprise) I fall short. Guilt because I am not with my children during the day and therefore, cannot protect them. Guilt because I was not able to protect Levi from Autism, nor will I be able to protect him from it in the future. Guilt because I don't always do a great job at showing my children that I love them. 

And the cycle goes on, growing deeper and darker with every turn until I find myself here, years later, drowning in a sea of guilt and anxiety, but too paralyzed by fear to take that breath of air that I so desperately need. And because of that, what once was just a small, single brick of fear, has now become a tower. 

How did I get here? How did I get to be so crippled by fear when I use to have such a deep trust in the Lord? 

I got here because I have spent close to 2 plus years living with unconfessed sin. I have spent 2 years justifying that the fear of losing my children is completely normal and okay. Is this initial fear normal? Sure. But what I chose to do with that fear is sinful. 

That is how I got here. Now where do I go from here? What then, moms (and dads), are we to do with this fear?

1. Confess these fears to God and continue to confess them AS OFTEN AS THEY APPEAR. Ask him to show you the underlying idols that cause your fears. 

Proverbs 28:13 "Whoever conceals their sin does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy."

2. Confess these fears to a friend or confidant. Bringing sin to light simultaneously kicks Satan in the teeth AND gives you person to pray alongside of you and keep you accountable. 

James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

3. Battle your fears with scripture and with the promises of the Lord. 

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble or its own. 

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears...The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him and He delivers them. 

1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 

4. Let your fears play out. 

Now this last point is more my own personal advice because it is something that has helped me. So many of our fears lie within the unknowns (i.e. How will I go on without my child/husband/parent?) So, for a few minutes, let that fear play itself out. For instance, my fear of losing my children. So what if that does happen? How will I feel? How will I ever go on? Take that scenario and repeat step 3:

I will go on because the Lord will uphold me (Isaiah 41:10). I will be crushed and struck down, but not destroyed (2 Cor. 4:9). I will be unbearably sad, but there will be a day when the Lord will wipe every tear. Even though I may never understand, the Lord is working for good (Romans 8:28). The Lord goes before me and the Lord goes with me (Deuteronomy 31:6). 

Does this mean that your fears are going to disappear? No. Rather, as you slowly build a tower of truth, brick by brick of confession and biblical promises, that tower of fear will disappear. Not because it is no longer there, but because it will become eclipsed by truth, promises, and the glory of the Lord.

Philippians 3:12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.