About a year and a half ago, in the middle of the church service, I sat in the hallway outside of the sanctuary crying, holding Levi in my lap. He was a little over 4 at the time, and would often end up in the "baby/toddler" room in the nursery because he enjoyed the quietness of that room more than the chaos that is the 3/4 year old room. He felt safe in that room. However, being a 4 year old in the room with 1 year olds was not exactly safe for others and unfortunately, we had to learn that the hard way. During the service that day, we were buzzed out of church and I found a screaming baby girl, a frantic nursery worker (rightfully so), and a crying Levi who had pushed the little girl who was getting too close to his toy. Now, I realize this sounds like a fairly tame incident. However, a push is a lot more than a push when it's a 4 year old vs. a 1 year old who is barely even walking. Levi pushed hard and that little girl fell, HARD. She was scared, the other toddlers in the nursery were scared, the nursery worker was scared, and I was scared. Scared for Levi, scared for the little girl, scared for what parents would think of Levi, and scared for our family's future at St. Andrews. As it needed to happen, Levi was turned out of the nursery for the day while kids were soothed and order was restored. And that is how I found myself, crying and praying over my child who once again, was a square peg trying to be forced into a round hole.
That incident, though no
fault of our wonderful nursery at our church, brought so many fears and
uncertainties to our family that week. Mitch and I talked constantly about
whether we needed to leave St. Andrews to find a bigger church that had more
provisions for special needs children. We talked to our pastor, we talked to
our nursery coordinator, and we talked to God. I dreaded the coming Sunday
where we would have to try the nursery thing all over again and I sent a text
to a few of my girlfriends begging them to pray for my heart as I battled the
desire to just stay home. Staying home would have been easier. Staying home
would have been safer. And I am not the only special needs parent that feels
that way.
Did you know that the
odds of children with autism never attending a church service are almost DOUBLE
what they are for children without a mental/social chronic health problem?
Did you know that there
are an estimated 600-650 million people in the world that have disabilities but
only 5-10% of those people are effectively reached with the gospel? This makes
the disabled community of the largest under-reached people groups in the world.
Did you know that 80 to
85% of churches don't have any level of special needs ministry or care?
And lets not forget the
families:
Did you know that parents
of special needs children operate at stress levels 60% higher than the normal
population? Cameron Doolittle, executive director of Jill's House, a
special needs ministry in Virginia, says among special needs families “There
is more divorce, less attention paid to siblings, [and] more attempts at
suicide."
“In our day in the West,
people with disabilities are not left to beg outside religious sites where they
might remind people of the brokenness of humanity. Rather, such people are
carefully hidden in homes and care facilities, seldom ever gracing temples and
churches with their presence…this absence deprives the church of gifts that
only those with disability can bring to the body of Christ.”
Michael
Beates
I would like say
that as Levi has gotten older, integrating into the church has been easier, but
unfortunately that is not the case. The older Levi gets, the harder he has to
work to try and fit into a typical church environment. For a child that
struggles with communication (both speaking AND understanding others speak),
sitting in "big" church where you don't understand most of what is
being spoken to you is hard. He struggles to sit still, he struggles with
understanding that he needs to be quiet, he struggles with not being able to
understand most of what is going on. But most importantly, Levi struggles
greatly with the constant transitions that come with Sundays. Each Sunday looks
a little bit different: a different teacher, a different lesson, a different
group of students, and different schedule. This is tough to adapt to for a
neuro-typical child! Imagine the lengths an atypical child has to go to adjust.
Because of this, for the last 6 months, either Mitch or I attend children's
church with Levi. Every. Single. Sunday. And lots of those Sundays we don't
even make it through children's church without needing to remove him from the
classroom until he calms down. We are 100% willing to miss church every Sunday
because for us, it is so important for Levi to get the chance, no matter how
short, to hear the gospel alongside of his peers. I don't share these things to
be pessimistic or to complain. I share these things because it is the
reality of so many special needs parents in the church. And most church members
have no idea.
So how we address these
needs?
1) STAY. When Levi was
first diagnosed, Mitch and I were very plugged in to a church that we loved. We
loved the sound theology, we loved the community, and we loved the fellowship.
But the church had no provisions for special needs or children and Levi was
really a "first" to be as involved as we were. Were there other churches
in town that provided special needs ministries? Yes! However, through prayer
and encouragement, we decided to stay. We decided to stay and help our church
take formative steps in creating a special needs ministry. Someone always has
to be the "first", and if you love every other aspect of your church,
I encourage you to pray and contemplate whether paving that road for your
church is something God is calling your family to. It will not be easy, but it
will be very worth it- not only for you and your family, but for your church
family as well. And most importantly, it will be eternally worth it for your
child.
2) EDUCATE. As a special
needs parent, talk about your journey! Just this Sunday, I had the privilege to
stand in front of our congregation and share parts of our journey with Autism.
Is it easy to share such a deeply personal part of our story? NO, not at all.
But it is part of our story, and therefore, part of our church family's story.
You cannot expect people to walk alongside you if you do not show them the road
you are on. As a church member, ask questions! I cannot speak for all special
needs parents, but I am overjoyed when people desire to learn more about Levi,
our family, and Autism. You will not be able to learn more about a child or their
condition if you are not willing to ask questions. If you have children around
the same age as a special needs child in your church, talk to them about it!
Answer their questions. If you feel like you can't, ask the parent to answer
them for you. Interacting with a child with a special needs that you do not
know much about can be daunting. Knowledge replaces fear and is paramount for
developing strong & comfortable relationships between a child with
specials needs and their peers, teachers, & volunteers.
3) COMMUNICATE. As a
special needs parent, you are your child's best advocate, and that applies in
the church environment as well! Communicate well with your children's ministry
leaders, your child's peer's parents, your potential volunteers. Communicate
your hopes for your child, any concerns you might have, and any changes you
think might be effective. Communicate how much you, as the parent, want to be
involved and how much you think your child can handle. As a church director or
leader, communicate YOUR expectations as the teacher! Communicate
your ideas for integration, your advice based on observations, and any
questions you might have about the child's condition, learning barriers,
strengths and weaknesses. Honesty is the number one thing that special needs
ministries need to flourish.
4) GRACE. Behind honesty,
I believe grace is the number two thing that a special needs ministry needs to
be successful and God glorifying. As a special needs parent, you must be
prepared to give all parties involved grace. Just as I knew very little about
Autism before Levi was diagnosed, most people will also know very little about
your child's condition. They might ask strange questions, they might
(unintentionally) say offensive things, and they will make mistakes. GIVE.
THEM. GRACE. I would rather someone ask me a thousand offensive questions about
Autism than ask none at all. So answer patiently. Educate graciously. And most
importantly, if and when mishaps occur, forgive easily and build them up. As a church
director, leader, volunteer, or parent, remember that most special needs
parents have been "burned" at least once before. Their child might be
non-verbal and the fear, lack of trust, and attachment issues that come with
that would take me a whole another blog post to cover. Remember that these
parents are scared: scared how their child will react, scared how their child's
peers will receive him/her, and scared about what other people are going to
think about them and their child. Because of this, they may seem over the top.
They may seem (and might be) controlling. They may really push back on some
things you suggest. And they may be down right difficult to work with. GIVE.
THEM. GRACE. And give them time. The more love and effort that is poured into those
relationships, the more trusting they will be with one of their most precious
possessions.
Just like no two children
with disabilities will look the same, so will no two special needs ministries
look the same. However, the goal should always be the same: to make the gospel
as accessible as possible to ALL people in the church.
God has graciously given
us both Levi AND Autism as part of our story, and ultimately, as part of our
church family's story. Although we have been and will continue to be greatly
blessed through our church family loving us and Levi well, we are not the only
ones. Special needs ministry is a blessing to all parties involved. To the
special needs families, it is a blessing to have others pouring into your
child and allowing you, as the parent, to be spiritually filled as well. To the
director, it is a blessing to get to serve one of the "least of
these" by meeting each child where they are. To the classmates and peers,
it is a blessing to get the opportunity to befriend and love a person who a lot
of the world deems as "unlovable". And to the church, it is a
blessing to learn from and walk alongside of a people group that Jesus went
above and beyond to serve and share wisdom through.
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